I wondered tonight, if Nick feels used. I know he feels used by Ty, but what about his family. I guess he feels used by his dad, though Nick had a choice. Ok, he really didn’t, and his dad knew that. Though maybe his dad did not know. He was scared to ask Nick for a piece of his liver. He knew Nick had every right to say no. Will this dethaw his dad a bit? The fact Nick said yes. Does it ever dethaw people towards Nick when he does things for them. Or does that encourage them to use him more. Which way does Nick see it?
He sees it as his choice, that he chooses to let himself be used by those he loves.
I guess I started wondering because, in Shock & Awe, Nick is scared Kelly might perceive that Nick is using him in his drugged state. That Kelly will wake up from the drugs and feel taken advantage of. Nick is very sensitive to that possibility, and does not in any circumstance want to be perceived that way. That might be why Nick is so independent. He does not want to need anyone so they won’t feel used by him.
For himself, he frames it all as his choice. He choses to give himself. He chooses to let those he loves use him. And he never speaks up.
I think to what Abi posted yesterday. This moment: “…and he doesn’t see the wounded look in Nick’s eyes”. How many have not seen the wounded look in Nick’s eyes. Nick gives so much. Is always there. Yet he felt inadequate in that moment with Kelly. He thought Kelly did not want to be around Nick and would prefer staying with Ty and Eli. I wonder if Nick felt lonely since he was living alone or if he felt he was not good enough for Kelly. It always hurts when it comes down to it and your friends chose someone else. Nick did not speak up and just took Kelly where he wanted to go.
Of course, Kelly ended up back and Nick’s, but it makes me wonder why Nick gives so much without speaking up. Does the man just want to be loved, want to be someone’s first choice, or can he not help wanting to be all he can be for those he loves? Those in need. It is like a small part of him is saying “if he is perfect, they will love you the most”, and he knows it is not rational, but he wants to the the most for someone.
But he will not demand it. Or even ask for it. He will let them feel as they feel.
And be hurt when he is not their most.